King Diamond - The Puppet Master
2003 Metal Blade
by Horatio

Quick Summary:
There's a familiar saying that goes 'once you've heard one you've heard them all'.  This phrase was designed for King Diamond.  The King seems to record a new album every year, and this prolific output is also his demise.  'The Puppet Master' is the same album as 'Them' or 'Abigail' except with a different storyline and heightened production levels.  This time the King's devised a plot which Metal Blade is doing their best to convince people is genuinely frightening.  It concerns some twat called 'Unfortunate Man' and his girlfriend Victoria who fall prey to a puppet master and his wife who make human puppets out of the people they murder.  It's set in 18th century Budapest as if that's supposed to give it atmosphere.

The only problem is that the plot's about as scary as an episode of Blues Clues.  And that's the outright truth.  The King uses graphic detail explaining how the Puppet Master mutilates his victims, in a vain attempt at sensationalism.  All it does is bore and this could be the most tedious album I've heard in a good while.  King has never made one solo album that has reached the levels of any Mercyful Fate recording, especially 'Melissa' or even '9'.  Why he puts Fate on the backburner for this is a mystery in itself.  The whole package is redundant, King's high pitched vocals and harmonies, the repetitive guitar work, the whole demonic presence.  How many more times?  I severely doubt in fifteen years time anyone's going to be saying 'remember 'The Puppet Master'?  Man that was an early 00's classic wasn't it?'  Strictly for die hards, and even they must be worn out by now.

Website:  www.covenworldwide.org

Song Summaries:

1. Midnight - Short intro.  C
2. The Puppet Master - Think of any King Diamond track from any point in his history and this is exactly what it sounds like.  D
3. Magic - When I was at high school there was a band whose name happened to be Magic.  The name was inexcusably unimaginative and gay.  The vocalist even asked me once if I thought it was a good name.  I lied and said yes so they could further humiliate themselves.  Somehow they've made a comeback on a King Diamond CD, worse than ever.  D
4. Emerencia - On the whole European metal is very dull.  The current glut of power metal acts emerging from the continent clearly prove this.  Once Mercyful Fate rose above this.  Maybe they still can.  King Diamond can't and this piece of tedium fits in with any power metal nonsense like Thunderstone, Tad Morose or Symphorce, bands I am ashamed to have listened to.  Take those 'atmospheric' synthesizers away someone.  I loathe them more than Tesla.  D
5. Blue Eyes - Eight tracks to go...make that seven.  F
6. The Ritual - The riff attack at the onset vaguely hints at Iron Maiden, almost a tenth rate 'Montsegur'.  It doesn't take long for matters to degenerate into the usual played out KD elements, particularly that frequently unlistenable wail.  C-
7. No More Me - I wonder if the King thinks the plot he has contrived is a masterpiece.  If he does then so am I for creating the following lyric:  'The boys are hitting the street tonight, maybe this time they gonna get it right, the girls and booze flow, who cares about tomorrow.'  D
8. Blood To Work - Wouldn't it be curious to see the King flirt with 80's style thrash?  Maybe thrash with 50's style saxophones in the mix?  How about some AOR?  With song titles like 'Run With The Thunder', 'In The Heartland' and 'Mixed Emotions'.  It would be something fresh.  Maybe he could change his name to Chad Diamond as well.  D
9. Darkness - Sheer terror abounds as we learn of 'Unfortunate Man' sitting prone and barely lifeless on a shelf opposite his girlfriend Victoria, also stricken.  The poor helpless bastards, all they have is each other.  And the Puppet Master decides to send Victoria to Berlin away from Unfortunate Fag!  No!  D
10. So Sad - So they've gone and done it.  Taken Victoria away.  This calls for a ballad of sorts with female vocals.  Are we as the listener supposed to feel pain and angst like Unfortunate Dude?  This stinks like a garbage bag with the contents of four wasted meals that have been left to sit for a week and then taken outside, causing you to gag at the stench.  D
11. Christmas - The best thing about this album is the excerpt from 'The Little Drummer Boy'.  'Pa rappa pum pum!'  If they made a video for this it would have King nude with a little drum while he bangs it in the snow chirping along to that tune while the rest of the band attempts the Scorpion's human pyramid in the background.  D
12. Living Dead - Last year I wrote a scathing review of an awful album by James Byrd called 'Anthem'.  He wrote to my editor and demanded it be removed and rewritten.  My editor agreed the album sucked and touched it up slightly.  The album was bland and repeated itself.  James Byrd must understand that I don't get paid to write these reviews, so if I think it's a piece of crap then that's what I'll write.  Apply this to 'The Puppet Master' and you have my exact same thoughts minus King Diamond e-mailing Shev, incensed at my comments.  Total, utter slop.  F

Average Song Rating:  D
Overall Album Rating:  F

Also be sure to read:
King Diamond - Abigail by Uncle Meat
King Diamond - Abigail II:  The Revenge by Uncle Meat
King Diamond - The Puppet Master by Uncle Meat
Mercyful Fate - Don't Break The Oath by Uncle Meat
Mercyful Fate - In The Shadows by Uncle Meat
Mercyful Fate - The Beginning by Uncle Meat